Dear Richard Madeley: ‘I was told it was unacceptable to tap my daughter-in-law on the shoulder’

Dear Richard,

Four weeks ago, I was dancing in a rather dimly lit marquee at an event when I noticed my daughter-in-law and tapped her on her shoulder. This made her jump: she turned towards me and gave me a hostile look. The following day I was told that my behaviour was ‘not acceptable by today’s standards’.

Rather than cause a continued impasse I decided to apologise, which she accepted with a warning not to touch her again. Since then she has refused to speak to me, and she continues to behave in a hostile manner.

I have spoken to a family member who advised the situation will pass with time. But a month on, I still feel absolutely incandescent about it. There was no ‘tactile’ element in my action in the marquee, and while I deplore the fact that my daughter-in-law has been ill-treated in the past, I don’t think that justifies such a blatant misreading of my actions. It has cast such a pall over our family so badly that I am considering changing my will. What do you think?

— Anon

Dear Anon,

Whoa! Hold on! Back up a little! What on earth is going on? You touch someone on the shoulder on a dance floor and next thing we know we’re talking about changing wills? Something’s out of whack here, Anon.

Are you sure you’re telling me everything? While it’s true that some people genuinely don’t like to be touched, especially unexpectedly (I have a couple of friends who operate inside a sort of invisible but permanent cordon sanitaire), your daughter-in-law’s reaction seems, on the face of things, pretty extreme. I can imagine her jumping a bit when it happened, but your son describing you touching his wife’s shoulder as ‘unacceptable’? As I say, I’m finding it a little difficult not to suspect there’s more to this incident than you’re letting on, Anon, perhaps even to yourself.

I’d advise you to have a good, honest think about exactly what took place. Are you airbrushing something out? Was it the first time you’d experienced anything like this response from your daughter-in-law, or might she see a pattern of behaviour here?

If the answers to those questions are genuinely ‘no’ and ‘no’, then you need another conversation with your son to try to get to the bottom of this. But I would certainly advise against making the sort of changes you are contemplating. Do you really want to leave that sort of toxic legacy behind? 

Think of how difficult it would make things for your son. Isn’t it a bit of an overreaction to an overreaction? Surely better to rise above some silly misunderstanding on the dance floor.

Your family member probably has it right, Anon. This somewhat barmy situation will ease with time. Don’t rush into any kind of legal revenge. Be the wise old bird, and let it all settle and fade.

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