Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg are settling things with fisticuffs

There is plenty about modern life to cause celebration and aggravation in equal measure... but it is never safe to make an assumption about how the different generations feel about anything, from vegans to scented candles.

This week, our columnist duo ponder how punch-ups seem to be increasingly popular.

What exactly does the cage fight planned by Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg entail? It sounds like a fantasy, and a very 2023 one. While they’re getting smeary with blood from mixed martial arts inside the cage, will there be sudden gas flares in the gloom outside amid post-apocalyptic ruins?

I don’t say they are more deranged than duellists from the past. But in the past duellists were very deranged. In the 19th century this reflected an insane body politic. So George Canning was not prevented from becoming prime minister by his pistol duel with his fellow Cabinet member Lord Castlereagh in 1809. Never mind a fixed-penalty infringement like speeding or breaking lockdown regulations; this was a felony.

A decade earlier, William Pitt, while prime minister, fought a duel with George Tierney, an MP with whom he had clashed only verbally in the Commons. The Duke of Wellington when he was prime minister duelled with the Earl of Winchilsea, who’d said he had ‘insidious designs for the infringement of our liberties’. Well, what’s new? They fought at Battersea Fields amid the spring greens of the market gardens, and the Duke missed.

The maddest fighter of all was the inventor of the cardigan: Lord Cardigan, who led the Charge of the Light Brigade – and the rapid return of the survivors to their own lines. He had been given a second chance after being charged with attempted murder for shooting an officer in a duel. He chose to be tried by the whole House of Lords and only got off on the technicality of the name of his victim not being properly proved.

Today people are suspended from their jobs because someone claims to have been upset by the way they were spoken to, not because they have landed a pistol ball in the ribs. In theory we believe in ‘Innocent till proved guilty’, but you can’t imagine anyone now thriving in public life after being acquitted of attempted murder.

Not that I want MPs to go round shooting at each other. But they shouldn’t imitate Musky and Zucky’s silliness. A cage fight is like reality TV: not real at all.

Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhht. I’ve never really been in one, to be honest, which is extremely surprising when you consider how annoying I can be, but extremely unsurprising when you consider how cowardly and pathologically unexcitable I am.

I don’t tend to like watching scraps, either, but news that Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk are potentially settling who has the most fragile ego with a cage fight is titillating. Of course, the best result would be for them to fight to the death, but both of them die in each other’s arms like two nerdy bumblebees. Regrettably, I don’t suppose it’ll be allowed to get that far. But it got me thinking. If an old-fashioned dust-up really does become the new diplomacy, who else should settle things in the ring?

Sir Keir Starmer vs Rishi Sunak

I reckon Rishi probably has that wiry, featherweight strength that makes little sense, like Barry McGuigan, or an ant. Sir Keir, the older man, has the bulk, but he also cares very deeply about his hair, and might just try launching into a dreary, 20-minute, point-by-point cross-examination. Now, Angela Rayner vs Sunak? The prime minister would be torn limb from limb within seconds, then kerb-stomped in the car park, and he knows it.

King Charles III vs King Felipe VI of Spain

Oh, beautiful bespoke tailoring would fly. If Charles put a (custom-made) knuckleduster on those hefty hands, well it’d be buenas noches, majestad. The key question is: what if Felipe just presented Charles with a minor inconvenience, like handed him a leaky pen? Think TCUP, Chaz: total control under pressure. You’ve got this.

Beyoncé vs Taylor Swift

Not easy to schedule, but think of the advance ticket sales, Taylor!

Joe Biden vs Donald Trump

I’m a big fan, Joe, but sorry: a man so regularly defeated by steps simply wouldn’t thrive faced with a 19-stone New Yorker whose bone spurs mean his primary move is to sit on his opponent.